Why?
At my last cyclocross race, as I was going up the most painful of the run-ups for what seemed like the 89th time, I heard a spectator say to his friend "with cyclocross, the first question you have to ask is: why?" At that moment, I had no sane or believable answer to give. But it made me think.
Let me back up. Until I moved to California four years ago, I rode horses. I did other things too - work, school, art, that sort of thing, but what I "did" was ride horses. I did compete, but my main motivation was that I love horses and I felt so fulfilled and gratified by my relationship with each horse. That was the why. And, of course, I liked to show off that I could ride well and the horse loved me.
During college, I took up running in addition to riding. The why was psychological. When I was 12, my stepfather died of a heart attack while he and I were running a 10K together. He collapsed the second he crossed the finish line. The experience was awful. I began running 8 years later for therapeutic reasons - I chose the Charlottesville 10-Miler race as a training goal, and thought of Rick every step of every mile from when I first began training to when I finished the race (winning my age group, incidentally - "showing off" appears again).
The running was therapeutic for sure, and simultaneously sadistic. There is a point that athletes push themselves towards, a point that is beyond the goal of a mere exerciser. It was at this point that I realized I was an athlete. So I think the "why" in running was also a challenge, and a sort of fuck-you directed towards myself. Somewhat appropriately, the fuck-you resulted in multiple stress fractures.
Cycling took over for running (couldn't run anymore) and riding (how many horses have you seen in San Francisco?) soon after I moved west. I started cycling for exercise. I started racing because I always seemed to race other recreational riders up hills so why not try a real race? So I did, saw some success, seemed to smile and want to do more. I kept going, wanting to progress and wanting to be able to tell people someday that I was a pro athlete and wanting to see them be impressed and wanting to have some goal in life that did not involve pay raises, cars, Marc Jacobs, and other material goals that classmates and co-workers had.
Sorry for rambling. It's just that I have made so many sacrifices in order to be a cyclist, yet I don't think I ever really stopped to consider why. I don't get the same gratification I did from my relationships with horses, there is still a void in my life in that respect. But cycling does make me happy in several ways. I enjoy it - I love being outside, and I get immediate pleasure from things requiring skill on my bike, like speeding downhill or navigating through traffic or riding off-road. Plus I have made some great friends through cycling. And I definitely enjoy an audience, which I think is one of the reasons why I prefer criteriums to road races. Why suffer so hard if there's no one there to see and admire you? So there is the showing off again. But I think that perhaps the biggest reason is so I can escape the rat race in favor of a real race. A real race feels more pure and more honest - no guise of doing it for charity, or for doing something for any reason other than wanting recognition and wanting to be the best. In my own eyes as well as the eyes of others.
I would like to think that there are cyclists who love cycling as much as I love riding horses, but how can that be? A bike is an inanimate object, it doesn't give you anything that you don't already have within yourself, right?
I would love to hear other people's reasons why. Call it mid-life, or more appropriately call it saturn return since I am 28, but anyway I would like to understand the "why?".
Let me back up. Until I moved to California four years ago, I rode horses. I did other things too - work, school, art, that sort of thing, but what I "did" was ride horses. I did compete, but my main motivation was that I love horses and I felt so fulfilled and gratified by my relationship with each horse. That was the why. And, of course, I liked to show off that I could ride well and the horse loved me.
During college, I took up running in addition to riding. The why was psychological. When I was 12, my stepfather died of a heart attack while he and I were running a 10K together. He collapsed the second he crossed the finish line. The experience was awful. I began running 8 years later for therapeutic reasons - I chose the Charlottesville 10-Miler race as a training goal, and thought of Rick every step of every mile from when I first began training to when I finished the race (winning my age group, incidentally - "showing off" appears again).
The running was therapeutic for sure, and simultaneously sadistic. There is a point that athletes push themselves towards, a point that is beyond the goal of a mere exerciser. It was at this point that I realized I was an athlete. So I think the "why" in running was also a challenge, and a sort of fuck-you directed towards myself. Somewhat appropriately, the fuck-you resulted in multiple stress fractures.
Cycling took over for running (couldn't run anymore) and riding (how many horses have you seen in San Francisco?) soon after I moved west. I started cycling for exercise. I started racing because I always seemed to race other recreational riders up hills so why not try a real race? So I did, saw some success, seemed to smile and want to do more. I kept going, wanting to progress and wanting to be able to tell people someday that I was a pro athlete and wanting to see them be impressed and wanting to have some goal in life that did not involve pay raises, cars, Marc Jacobs, and other material goals that classmates and co-workers had.
Sorry for rambling. It's just that I have made so many sacrifices in order to be a cyclist, yet I don't think I ever really stopped to consider why. I don't get the same gratification I did from my relationships with horses, there is still a void in my life in that respect. But cycling does make me happy in several ways. I enjoy it - I love being outside, and I get immediate pleasure from things requiring skill on my bike, like speeding downhill or navigating through traffic or riding off-road. Plus I have made some great friends through cycling. And I definitely enjoy an audience, which I think is one of the reasons why I prefer criteriums to road races. Why suffer so hard if there's no one there to see and admire you? So there is the showing off again. But I think that perhaps the biggest reason is so I can escape the rat race in favor of a real race. A real race feels more pure and more honest - no guise of doing it for charity, or for doing something for any reason other than wanting recognition and wanting to be the best. In my own eyes as well as the eyes of others.
I would like to think that there are cyclists who love cycling as much as I love riding horses, but how can that be? A bike is an inanimate object, it doesn't give you anything that you don't already have within yourself, right?
I would love to hear other people's reasons why. Call it mid-life, or more appropriately call it saturn return since I am 28, but anyway I would like to understand the "why?".
Labels: enjoy the blog, racing
posted by Courtenay at 11/04/2006
5 Comments:
I can't answer the whole "why" right now, but the one thing that struck me is that although the bike is an inanimate object and can't return emotion or effection, the peloton is very real. I think as cyclists, we build relationships with those we race with (even if that relationship ends at the finish line). We thrive on the group groove. We compete with each other but we also build alliances. And only other bike racers can understand who we are.
Lorri
Here's a thought! Don't be so pre-occupied with "impressing people" as you mention in your blog; focus on doing what you like!
Are the two things, what people think and whether something is "fun", mutually exclusive?
You looked like you were having a blast at the last race. On my drive home from the race, I didn't see a single smile along the way. So as long as your having fun.....then the why is answered!My reasons for riding, in order:
*It feels good to ride a bike!Remeber when you were a kid and you first started riding and you got that rush of speed, like, wow, it's easy to go fast and just "feels good!"
*The great outdoors. We see, smell, and feel the change in the seasons. We get to see wildlife on morning rides, see the sun rising or setting over a valley view, and smell the wild sage as we ride past it.
*Stay in shape. I don't want to be another one of the 9 billion obese Americans. And again, it just "feels good" to get the blood pumping.
*If you hang around bicycling long enough, you start to notice the subtleties of cycling culture, and the cool people it attracts, who have a lot less selfish ethics than in other sports. These unique people attract each other, and are what make cycling so much more fun than alot of the other "Jock" sports.
*Racing to me is just an excuse to benchmark you fitness level against other cyclists to see just how baddass you really are!
Wow--some interesting thoughts!
I have never really thought about the "why" behind my cycling. I think it has something to do with hating my job so much... It gives me a reason to get away, distinguishes me from the people I work with, and somehow feels much more important than anything I could ever accomplish in the office. Really interesting question that I have never asked myself. Although I constantly ask myself "why" about my job.
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