Conversation with Mom #4

My mom, Sal, is a multi-tasker. Especially during the holidays, when she is host to approximately one thousand people... at least that's how it seems.

Additional pertinent fact about my mom: she has several pet peeves, depending on which room in the house you are occupying. For example, in the bathroom it's not wiping the sink, in the hallway it's turning the thermostat above 58 degrees without explicit permission, in the living room it's leaving the lights on (or off, still haven't figured out which is supposed to happen when), and in the kitchen is the most important pet peeve of all. Don't, do NOT, never ever ever, stand in front of the fridge with the door open while casually looking for something to eat.

The problem for everyone except my mom is: how to deduce what's inside the fridge without opening it? According to my mom, such deduction is easy, all you have to do is ask her. But more accurately, all you have to do is miraculously catch her when she is not feeding the horses or taking stuff next door or ironing the table cloth or trying for the 6th time to wake up my brother and/or my sister, or on the phone (she is constantly on the phone, she is friends with everyone and they all call her), and then you can ask her what's in the fridge that's edible.

So anyway on Christmas Eve afternoon I wanted some peanut butter. I found Jiff in the cabinet but I wanted real peanut butter so I opened the fridge. And stood there. My mom used her sixth-sense-for-detecting-an-open-fridge-door and swooped into the kitchen, of course she was on the phone at the same time. Here's what happened:

Sal: ...well if you want to bring a yule log that's fine but we already have 12 desserts, hang on a second - COURTENAY! WHAT are you LOOKing for in there? - anyway, yes, 12 desserts...

Me: Um, natural peanut butter please? (still standing in front of the open fridge)

Sal:... O.K. brie and cranberry would definitely be better, that can be an hors d'ouevres - SWEETIE! DON'T stand with the FRIDGE DOOR OPEN! WHAT are you LOOKing for?!

Me: Still looking for natural peanut butter, Ma. (yes the door is indeed still open, going on like 33 seconds by this point)

Sal: Sorry Maggie I'd better go, there's a crisis here. - hangs up phone - WHY were you TALKING TO ME?! I was on the PHONE! And WHAT were you LOOKing for?!

Me: Um, as I recall you were the one who started talking to me first, whilst simultaneously trying to talk on the phone. I told you twice I was looking for natural peanut butter.

Sal: Well (awkward pause as she realizes I am right...) We have Jiff. What's wrong with Jiff?

Me: It's got partially hydrogenated and fully hydrogenated oils. I am not eating it. I just figured since you have organic milk, organic juice, organic carrots, fair trade organic coffee, organic butter, and natural organic gross tasting toothpaste, you would probably also have natural organic not gross peanut butter. I mean, you don't even swallow the toothpaste. You swallow peanut butter.

Sal: Oh. I didn't think of that.

And that's basically it. I have been cracking walnuts and eating them in lieu of peanut butter, which is actually more fun anyway since we don't seem to have a nut cracker so I am doing the smoosh-two-walnuts-together-and-eat-whichever-one-breaks method!