#500!

This is the 500th post I have written since I started this blog in May of 2006... Since today can be summarized in just a few words (overslept, it's snowing, s'posed to snow more, kitty says hi), today's post will instead be a little Courtenay's Blog Recap for those of you who weren't here from the beginning (which is probably everyone except my mom... took me a while to start posting daily with gory details all about my fascinating life!)

-I got engaged. (warning: from a gossip standpoint, it's all downhill from here...)

-I got famous.

-I stopped being engaged.

-I started documenting conversations with Mom. (see more here)

-I made a threat - little did I know it would actually happen!!

-I rode the crap out of my bike.

-I started teasing Huntress. Still haven't stopped... sorry Lisa you know I love you!

-I raced.

-Shaz and I picked the wroooong place to stop.

-ImetGregweemailedhemovedin!! (it happened so fast I didn't even get a chance to blog about it!)

-I got to hang out with the coolest massage therapist ever.

-I teased some more.

-I met Katie!

-I proved that girls love goggles.

-We moved.

-I won a triathlon!?!?

-I made tons of cool new friends (see links to the left I mean right!)


and the rest is pretty recent history...

Ups and Downs

I guess it was about time to have a "down" sort of day, since everything's been going so well lately. I am going to cheer myself in a public sort of forum with a few random quotes I have been saving up...

Bike Racers on Triathlon Logistics:

"So after you finish the swim part, do you like really quick change into your skinsuit and then jump on your TT bike or what?"

How Annoying Words Like "Booyah!" Come Into Existence

"Instead of 'ginormous' I am going to start saying 'egantic'. So it's enormous plus gigantic, instead of gigantic plus enormous. Whaddaya think??"

"Hm. What's wrong with just saying 'big'?"

Not Everything Soft is a Kitty

"I am snuggling something suspicious. Can you tell me what it is?"

"Yeah, it's your sweatpants."

On Mollycoddling in Modern Childrearing

"I can't believe they don't even keep score in games anymore to avoid hurt feelings. With my kid, they'd better keep score in the softball game!"

"You say that now, but if you had the retarded kid with a left foot sticking out to here you'd be the one insisting that your kid play and that no feelings get hurt."

Allrighty, time to move on, oh and btw none of these were spoken by my mom, Sal. She usually gets an entire blog post to herself...

Camp!

I am at training camp, after what felt like the world's longest two days at the end of the world's longest week. I can't believe that the Super Bowl was 8 days ago, or that Super Tuesday was six days ago.

Pics tomorrow of the sweetest pad in all of Healdsburg and wine country, and pics of the 11 cutest blue-spandex clad butts! But first, my favourite quotes of the trip thus far:


During Sunday Night Out In The City With Good Friends:

Steve: ... so anyway my roommate is totally fucking nuts. He fucking calls the five hot nursing students who live upstairs to bitch when they play their stereo in the kitchen or when the girl who's right above him moves her chair, so now I can't even talk to them because they hate us, I mean I can't talk to five hot chicks because my roommate is crazy?! Anyway the other day I got the phone hooked up so I could get internet and there hasn't been a phone in our place for five years and it rings and he flips out because he thinks it's his dead mom calling!

Maisie: So what you're saying is he has auditory hallucinations?

(she's in grad school to become a counselor)

--------------------

Today on the phone I asked my mom for one of my sisters' email addresses. This particular sister has been somewhat estranged for several years. And I have had lots of good positive conversations with my mom recently so I was statistically bound to have a dud at some point.

Sal: WHY?
Me: Well I was going to see if she wanted to do a half-marathon together.
Sal: - and by the way I am at the BARN right now so I am busy and I CAN'T SEND it to you NOW.
Me: Well I'm in the car so I don't even need it right now.
Sal: - and just so you know, she has been running races for YEARS so she is probably really good and you CAN'T EXPECT to be able to KEEP UP.
Me: Uh, thanks for the vote of confidence. I checked out her times on line and I think we are compatible. Can you just send me her email.
Sal: I'M AT THE BARN for another TWENTY MINUTES so blah blah blah.

-------------------------

So I hung up and called my younger sister Sarah (Scare), wherein I learned:

- she's the current freshman girl wingman-of-choice at Dartmouth, despite the apparent fact that her ugly t-shirts worn in attempts not to outshine the friends with specific boys on the brain seem to actually attract more boys than the outfits of the friends who are actually supposed to do the attracting. Or something. Scare has a whole theory about this but I have the attention span of a warthog these days so I can't remember the theory or the outcome (aside from the fact that Scare doesn't have a bf)

- she's the only girl on the sports staff of the school newspaper, she covers squash, and when the head sports editor was like "the only reason girls want to be on sports staff is so they can get in the jocks' pants," she was like "yeah well if that were the case I sure wouldn't be covering SQUASH so lay off" then one of the senior editors who happens to be a girl told Scare that she had her back.

- Dartmouth freshmen tend to party on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. Tuesdays and Thursdays are out for certain people because certain people have 10 a.m. classes on Wednesdays and Fridays and certain people find it hard to focus at that hour after quote-unquote partying.

---------------------

I spent $40 on parking in the city this morning so that a. I could swim for an hour and b. I could drop $1500 at the dentist's office.



O.K. I'ma go do some gossiping!!

Christmas Eve!

Last night might have been my favourite Christmas Eve in years! We had 20-25 people, including a couple of ridiculously cute kids who sadly are of no relation to me, although the little boy is named Nathaniel just like my brother. And for you horse-racing fans out there, his dad is trainer Scott A. Lake. Paula was here and gave us the scoop on the Hollywood writer's strike and the extent to which reality shows are really scripted. And lots of people were somehow enthralled with my tri-geek talk... Speaking of which, enough yammering, on to the photos:

Little cuteness Nathaniel

Little Nathaniel, me, and Mikey.

Me with the famous People Paula!

Little brother and big sister. Sis offering advice and instruction, or something.

Little Nathaniel's big sister Cora playing with my little brother Big Nathaniel, p.s. wouldn't you just DIE for those CURLS!!!

Scare with Little Nathaniel.

Little Nathaniel double-fisting the nuts. Cuteness lets you get away with murder...

Big Nathaniel "being nice" to Mikey.

loooooong night for Mikey!

Tag Game

Lucky me, and definitely lucky you, readers: I have been tagged by Alisha and then Sharon to share Five Fascinating Facts about Me. And, tagging me is about the nicest thing a friend could do. I love yammering away about myself. So:

1. One of my favourite current pastimes is to say things like "hey greg, which one makes out with princess leia again, luke skywalker or harrison ford? is there a sex scene?!" or "is hayden christiansen darth vader? and by the way what's up with his hairdo?". Tomorrow I am going to ask what's the difference between a wookie and a klingon.

2. When I was 22 I fancied myself a Goth. I bleached my hair white, then eventually died it green, then shaved it bald for a while, then went back to a white buzz cut or something. Additionally I began attending the local goth night, dancing to Kate Bush and VNV Nation, and I developed a ginormous crush on a pale mohawked boy who played bass and was pierced to oblivion and weighed a good 20 lbs less than I. But, I bought all my black stuff at the Gap, still rode horses with the rich kids, and obsessed over the Real World, so I am not too sure about my authentic Gothness.

3. During this time I also fancied myself a Vegan. This lasted for approximately 9 months, or so I thought. As it turns out the "non dairy" frozen yogurt I ate was totally dairy and full of all kinds of chemicals. When I found this out I gave up and started eating steak again.

4. I never had acne problems. But after one too many Jessica Simpson Proactiv commercials the other day, I headed to the bathroom armed with Biore and some fingernails, set on at least digging out some blackheads. So now I do have a couple red spots on my cheek - just in time for the holidays.

5. Dave Matthews is one of my best friends.

THE NEW ITS: Achilles, Gilby, Tracie, and my sister who has no blog BUT I want to extract some college-freshman-BOY stories out of her so I am tagging her anyway. I will let you all know if I get any good dirt.

**Ok so he's not really my best friend, but I did serve him coffee on several occasions and one time I was sweeping the coffeeshop and he was like "what are you doin'" and I was like "getting ready to sweep you off your feet" and he was like "you wouldn't need a broom to do that" and I turned bright red. This was pre-marriage for him, of course.

People are Stupid

An Anonymous Friend's story:

grrrrr
people are stupid

so i'm out in the field about as far as i can get from my desk and i'm on the phone with the architect
and he tells me he sent me an email about this thing we were discussing earlier this morning
i tell him i'm out in the field about as far away from my desk as i can get and could he tell me what it says
so he says "maybe you should go back to your desk and read it."

so i hang up

come back to my desk and all it says is that we don't have to install this rigid insulation on the roof
way too fucking difficult to say over the godamn phone
what a sonofabitch

and he called me back just to check whether i hung up on him

Sorry, but: HAHAHAHA! With some sympathy too of course...

Can't Think of Anything More Humiliating Than...

... High School P.E. at the Pool.

The local high school PE class comes to the pool several afternoons a week. I see them because they are right after lap swim.

This is a co-ed P.E. class.

All hormones, all downcast eyes, all nervous cowering body language, more cell phones and more sharpie-decorated items than you can shake a stick at, and no one wants to strip down to a suit, let alone swim.

What were you doing 6 years ago today?

I walked into the post office a couple of minutes before 9 a.m., to mail a birthday card to my grandmother, and the Charlottesville post office had T.V.'s in it. There were two other customers there. The first plane had already crashed into the first tower, and as we were standing there gape-mouthedly staring at CNN, the second plane crashed.

I rushed to the radio station to help the dj before me with news updates and to get ready for my show. We were the only station in town who continued to play music that day, everyone else switched to news-only but a. we didn't have that capability and b. music is soothing in times of distress, so we continued to play music and we gave news updates every 20 minutes.

I think the first song I played on my show that day was Siouxsie and the Banshees' "Cities in Dust", in retrospect perhaps not the most sensitive choice but it's a great song.

Top 5 Things I Learned This Weekend

5. If you are in a car, in a foreign country, and you are lost, and if you then ask someone for directions and they tell you to "go two blocks and turn left at the robot", first of all you are in South Africa, and second of all this "robot" they are talking about is the traffic light.

4. In Bay Area Target stores this weekend, the only sizes left of the cute clothes seem to be XL and double XL. However in Minneapolis Target stores last week, there was an overabundance of S and XS but few remaining big sizes.

3. Surefire way to improve moods after forces-beyond-someone's-control end someone's race prematurely is to start an argument regarding centimeters. Add a few "hmph's" and mid-sentence walk-aways for extra efficacy.

2. Despite the individualized format of their races, it is indeed possible for triathletes to crash their bikes during a triathlon. Into each other, or out on their very own.

(p.s. Sharon I did that thing you hate, the one with the gasping and the pointing and the giggling)(they were fine)

1. To swim!

In Sum...

It was a pretty successful family reunion week I have decided.

My mom managed to corner all 3 of her kids for a photo, and she even got one where no one had bunny-ears or a finger up their nose.

That's my cousin Elizabeth, then Me, Than, and Sarah who was still not speaking to me (see below).

My brother Than and my uncle Tony got out on the tennis court every day.

Me: How was the Tennis?
Than: We didn't play tennis.
Me: Huh? How come you are all sweaty and you are holding a racquet and how come I swear I just saw you guys on the tennis court?
Than: We didn't play tennis. We played Tony Wins.

The funny/embarrassing thing is we had pretty much this exact conversation every day... but back to the weekly tally.

I won two games of Scrabble and even got rid of all my letters one time ("requiem"! on a triple word score! how sick was that!).

I got out on my bike every day. I worked on my tan. I played with enough ponies, puppies, and kitties to last me until the next east-coast visit I hope.

We ate lots of watermelon.

Gin and tonics are delicious in the summertime.

I witnessed lengthy conversations about tractors, the county agricultural preserve (which successfully fended off a Target that was supposed to get built at Wayson's Corner - go Ag Preserve!), whose fence got knocked down by who else's tree, the live wire that PG&E left out at Bowie race track, the beating that the first crop of strawberries sustained in Monday's rainstorm, the diversity of color, use of natural light, and circuitous procession through Frank Lloyd Wright's Unity Church, and the vast difference in 1970 vs. 1990-and-beyond childbirth practices with regards to presence of father, presence of doctor, inclusion of father in pre-birth instruction, verticality or horizontality of c-section cuts... Basically a whole lot of stuff about which I (shock and surprise!!) had little or nothing to contribute. So I sat all ears, refreshingly silent, and sometimes laughing.

For example of tractors and laughing: my mom was talking about Charles Tasker, the somewhat sort of reliable guy from down the road who comes to help her do stuff sometimes. Now, earlier I had heard her complain about the fact that he a. let out a possum who has been stealing the cat food all spring and she finally trapped it and was going to take down the road to dump off elsewhere but Charles didn't want the elsewhere to be his driveway so he turned over the trash can right there and the thing scampered back to the cat food and b. he's petrified of snakes. But give her a glass of wine or two and suddenly...

"Charles Tasker is a genius! He is an absolute ballerina with the tractor!"

OMG. My brother and I got some teasing mileage out of that one for sure.

Oh, and I succeeded in maintaining my bratty first-born child status by making my sister cry, driving my mom to call me a bitch, generally being busy or napping when I sensed such projects as furniture rearrangement, leaf raking, fence repair... And I broke a glass bowl too.

Sorry Ma.

But I did try to be good, I really did - I did dishes, asked my mom what was in the fridge before opening it and standing there for 5 seconds or more, helped grocery shop, graciously gave up my room for my cousin and even made the bed, filled the car with gas, and be'd nice when possible. So apparently I am invited back home for the holidays this year. Phew.

Dream Come True

I got tall!

Good Old Fashioned Cell Phone

Yesterday, after dealing with one crapassy phone that completely crapped out and one that only let me hear 75% of what people said, I decided it was time to suck it up and sign on for another 2 years with Cingular in exchange for a "reasonable" price on a new phone.

I wanted something that would:
a. work
b. take pictures
c. work
d. be able to have email during periods of time when I am at my mom's, where the only internet is dial-up through 85-year-old phone lines
e. work
f. not be a flip phone
g. work

I got online to do some research but that was taking way too long, so I solicited advice from various guy friends. Guys know a lot about technology, right? So they should be able to point me in the right wireless device direction.


Me: So I need to get a new phone. What should I get?
Mack: I love my Treo. You should totally get one.
Me: Does it take good photos? I want a camera phone.
Mack: They are OK, not the greatest.
Me: Can I take photos and post them on my blog?
Mack: It's kinda slow with the internet thing.
Me: Oh. It doesn't sound like it's what I want. I really want a camera phone and something with email but not something huge and I don't need all those dumb PDA features.
Mack: Well you should totally get a Treo. It's really cool and you can organize everything in it and it's the best PDA. You should get one.
Me: Um were you listening? I don't need a PDA!!

Me: So I need to get a new phone. What should I get?
Brian the IT Guy: The Blackberry Pearl is awesome. You should totally get one.
Me: Does it take good photos? How many megapixels?
Brian: They are OK. 1.3 megapixels.
Me: Oh. And isn't that the one with the little trackball thing? I would break it for sure.
Brian: So what. It's the coolest PDA out there. You should definitely get one.
Me: But I don't need a PDA. I need a camera phone.
Brian: Yeah but the Pearl is the coolest. You should get one.
Me: -groan-

Me: So I need to get a new phone. What should I get?
Devon: You should get an iPhone!
Me: Um, it's not out till June and it doesn't have a camera. AND it's huge.
Devon: So what! That thing is sick! Your phone you have now works, just wait till June!
Me: You were the one who said you couldn't hear a word I was saying and you had to call me on my land line. My phone doesn't work. I need a new one. And I don't need an iPod in my phone, I already have an iPod! And I want a camera phone!
Devon: I still think you should wait for the iPhone.
Me: -GROAN-

Everyone was trying to live vicariously through me... thankfully, the Cingular sales guy was not.

Me: So, I need a new phone, and I have kinda narrowed it down to the Blackberry Pearl and the Sony Ericcson w810i. The Pearl camera has a flash but I am worried that it's more device than I need.
Salesguy: Will you be needing the organizer and outlook and other microsoft features?
Me: I really just want a cameraphone that can also do email.
Salesguy: Then you should get the Sony. You don't need a PDA. And the Sony camera is 2 megapixels.
Me: Will you marry me?

Just kidding, just kidding, he was totally not my type, but I really appreciated the fact that he did not foist his techdorkness on me.

Conversation with my Brother #2

Little Brother: Hey sis whatup?

Big Sister: Hey! Nothing! I am driving home from a race!

LB: Oh. You're driving? Maybe I should wait till later to tell you this.

BS: Huh? Tell me what? Oh my god what HAPPENED?! Are you O.K.?

LB: Well, I got a girl pregnant.

BS: You WHAT? Oh my god WHO? Do I KNOW her?!

LB: Some random hookup. You don't know her.

BS: Oh my god what are you going to DO?!

LB: I don't know. I tried to tell Ma earlier but I was on the phone and I just couldn't do it.

BS: Oh my god I am so SORRY! Are you O.K.?! I mean, what are you guys going to DO?!

LB: Well. April Fool's.

BS: GAH!!!!


I am like the easiest person to fool ever. I am so gullible.

Home Again Home Again

jiggedy jig, or something. Isn't that a nursery rhyme?

Anyway, Sharon and I got up at 5:30 this morning and hit the road from Redlands/L.A. back home to San Francisco, thinking we were early enough to "avoid traffic." We thought wrong, but it wasn't so bad.

At some point pre-coffee and pre-breakfast, we realized we needed gas. S.F. Mission Blvd sounded pleasantly Bay Area-like for a Southern California freeway exit, so that's the one we took. We were actually in search of Starbucks and gas but we quickly realized we didn't hit the right demographic for the former and opted to take care of the latter instead.

A little civic packed to the gills and topped with 3 fancy bikes pulls into the least sketchy and most busy gas station in San Fernando (the "S.F." from the freeway sign). Out hop two white girls in form hugging pants to stretch and pump some gas. Heads turn. Bum asks us for bus money. We say sorry. Homeboy says "You ladies picked the wroooong place to stop." I take out the pump with only half the tank full and we get out of there pronto. (For the record, Sharon thought I was overreacting, then we talked about my reasons for getting uncomfortable and determined that it's high time I hightail it out of Oakland).

Anyway, fast forward to my stint at driving, which happened a little later. Remember last week when I discussed the reasons for my solo drive to Visalia? WELL, here we go again...

Me: Whoa. How are we suddenly on Highway 99?

Sharon: I think we've been on this for like 50 miles.

Me: Oh. Shit. Sorry. We're supposed to be on 5. Can you look at the map? How far off course did I take us?


It turned out to be only about 30 miles west through some crop-dusting farmland to get to the correct and far more scenic highway. Phew. But by this point my driving skills are exhausted.


Me: So anyway, (blather blather blather about probably nothing)...

Sharon: Um, you are really close to that center yellow line. Like over top of it close. You have tons of space over here.

Me: Oh sorry! I didn't notice. Oops!


Sharon drove the rest of the way. She is a much better driver than I am.

They Go Like NORMAL!

This is left over from Visalia... but I really needed the visual for this story so I waited until today to post it.

Anyway: us VAC girls have all been racing for a good 4 or more years. That's a lot of number pinning, believe me. Nevertheless, our fearless leader Lisa seems to have had some fears that we were not going to be able to figure out number pinning for the Visalia criterium. On Sunday morning we all went out for a ride before the race, and came home to find this:


Whoa, complete with a diagram and everything...

Being my usual punchy self I decided to call Lisa about it.

Me: Hey Lisa! We just got back. I saw your note and picture. I'm confused. What do we do with the numbers?

Lisa: They go LIKE NORMAL! They go on your SIDES! Like NORMAL!

Me: Um, joke Lisa, it was a joke. We got it! I was just teasing!

Lisa: Oh. I was worried. Sorry.

Me: You have no faith in us!

Getting between a Girl and her Laptop...

... bad idea. Super bad idea. Especially if you want the girl to be nice to you.

I was being nice when I loaned it out. I was also being nice when it wasn't ready to be returned to me at the appointed driving-by-on-my-way-to-Redlands time on Monday. "Sure, we can do the exchange tomorrow, since it's an hour between our host houses I can just drive and meet you halfway!"

Then, I got a hands-on reminder of how ridiculous afternoon traffic is in the greater L.A. area. So we postponed the computer exchange until today, Wednesday, when laptop-borrower would be coming in to Redlands for the race weekend anyway, preferably early so that I could maintain at least some semblance of un-crankiness.

Well.

I just got a phone call, at about 3 p.m.

Me: Where are you? Do you need directions up to the house?

Him: Um. Uh. Um. Well, that's kinda why I'm calling. I did my ride and packed and everything and Mike said just now that I shouldn't leave. Apparently the traffic is supposed to be terrible. So, um, I'm still here.

Me: "Apparently"?? It's L.A.! Of course it's terrible! Why didn't you come ride in Redlands this morning, and check out the course like everyone ELSE?!

Him: Sorry. I didn't think of that. That would have been really smart. Are you mad at me?

Me, in full temper-tantrum mode by now: YES I am MAD! Everyone else has their laptops to play with except ME! I am stuck here watching stupid MTV instead of doing stuff I want to be doing like posting picture blogs and watching my Lost DVD's and productively wasting time! You are NOT allowed to be bummed that I am mad because it's MY comPUTer!

etc. etc. etc.

There is not a real moral here, other than don't act really nice and flexible if you are going to suddenly get tired of being nice and flexible during the period of time when you are supposedly being nice and flexible. Bleh.

Guidelines for having a Completely Pointless Workout

(This is all hypothetical, of course.)

1. Be Grumpy.
2. Instead of taking public transportation to/from work, sit in traffic so you can pick up one of your too-many bikes from the Freewheel. Even though this is a bike that technically will not be used in competition until September or thereabouts.
3. Pay $17.50 to park the car downtown so you can then go pick up the bike after work.
4. Speaking of work: have too much work to do in too little time and get even more grumpy.
5. For lunch, eat a gross salad that's just a bunch of iceberg lettuce with a couple measly morsels of chicken, but it's free and pre-assembled.
6. Get home 15 minutes before your ideal get-out-the-door-and-on-the-bike time.
7. Use that 15 minutes to make a much-needed snack (see item #5).
8. Turn on computer to check weather to confirm that it is indeed still raining outside like it was doing 5 minutes ago when you ran inside from the car after holding your umbrella and purse and heavy bag with old bottom bracket and crankset, while simultaneously putting the front wheel on the bike and trying not to get grease and rain on your work clothes.
9. Utter expletives when the internet doesn't seem to be working.
10. Recall that you forgot to change the auto-billing for the internet to your new credit card number.
11. Recall that you can't pay your internet bill online when you can't even get online so you have to call stupid Comcast.
12. Notice that it is indeed still raining outside so you don't really need to look at weather.com but you still would like the option to do so before heading out into the doom and gloom.
13. Recall that it is possible to ride the (shock horror) trainer during inclement weather.
14. But the trainer is downstairs, outside, in the trunk of the car, which is a sign from above that you should brave the ice-cold Alaska-type rain and do your workout outside.
15. Look at the clock and realize it's now 15 minutes after ideal departure time.
16. Get dressed anyway.
17. Put hair in one braided ponytail instead of two to save time.
18. Finally leave.
19. Realize it's FREEZING and RAINING.
20. Start to do your intervals anyway.
21. Look at your wattage.
22. Get depressed.
23. Stop mid-set and call a friend and cry.
24. Get even colder whilst listening to pep talk.
25. Try to resume workout.
26. Look at your wattage again.
27. Remind yourself that you are not a quitter.
28. Tell your you-are-not-a-quitter self to shove it and grow a brain, then turn around and go home.
29. Bleh.

Hypothetical me will try again tomorrow.

Who's the Fat Old Dude on Toyota United...

It's Henk Vogels, I know.

But man he looks TERRible!

Ethereality

I took this photo early yesterday morning, just after taking off from BWI. I looked out the window and the sky was two levels of lava somehow, and I must finally be thinking like a photographer because I grabbed my camera. A thirty second delay and I would have missed it, because just like that, the sky was a normal looking blue.

Conversation with Mom #4

My mom, Sal, is a multi-tasker. Especially during the holidays, when she is host to approximately one thousand people... at least that's how it seems.

Additional pertinent fact about my mom: she has several pet peeves, depending on which room in the house you are occupying. For example, in the bathroom it's not wiping the sink, in the hallway it's turning the thermostat above 58 degrees without explicit permission, in the living room it's leaving the lights on (or off, still haven't figured out which is supposed to happen when), and in the kitchen is the most important pet peeve of all. Don't, do NOT, never ever ever, stand in front of the fridge with the door open while casually looking for something to eat.

The problem for everyone except my mom is: how to deduce what's inside the fridge without opening it? According to my mom, such deduction is easy, all you have to do is ask her. But more accurately, all you have to do is miraculously catch her when she is not feeding the horses or taking stuff next door or ironing the table cloth or trying for the 6th time to wake up my brother and/or my sister, or on the phone (she is constantly on the phone, she is friends with everyone and they all call her), and then you can ask her what's in the fridge that's edible.

So anyway on Christmas Eve afternoon I wanted some peanut butter. I found Jiff in the cabinet but I wanted real peanut butter so I opened the fridge. And stood there. My mom used her sixth-sense-for-detecting-an-open-fridge-door and swooped into the kitchen, of course she was on the phone at the same time. Here's what happened:

Sal: ...well if you want to bring a yule log that's fine but we already have 12 desserts, hang on a second - COURTENAY! WHAT are you LOOKing for in there? - anyway, yes, 12 desserts...

Me: Um, natural peanut butter please? (still standing in front of the open fridge)

Sal:... O.K. brie and cranberry would definitely be better, that can be an hors d'ouevres - SWEETIE! DON'T stand with the FRIDGE DOOR OPEN! WHAT are you LOOKing for?!

Me: Still looking for natural peanut butter, Ma. (yes the door is indeed still open, going on like 33 seconds by this point)

Sal: Sorry Maggie I'd better go, there's a crisis here. - hangs up phone - WHY were you TALKING TO ME?! I was on the PHONE! And WHAT were you LOOKing for?!

Me: Um, as I recall you were the one who started talking to me first, whilst simultaneously trying to talk on the phone. I told you twice I was looking for natural peanut butter.

Sal: Well (awkward pause as she realizes I am right...) We have Jiff. What's wrong with Jiff?

Me: It's got partially hydrogenated and fully hydrogenated oils. I am not eating it. I just figured since you have organic milk, organic juice, organic carrots, fair trade organic coffee, organic butter, and natural organic gross tasting toothpaste, you would probably also have natural organic not gross peanut butter. I mean, you don't even swallow the toothpaste. You swallow peanut butter.

Sal: Oh. I didn't think of that.

And that's basically it. I have been cracking walnuts and eating them in lieu of peanut butter, which is actually more fun anyway since we don't seem to have a nut cracker so I am doing the smoosh-two-walnuts-together-and-eat-whichever-one-breaks method!